I Want to be the Villain

Ever in pursuit of enlightenment and with old age approaching I decided recently I want to be the villain. Then I read this article in Vulture about Neil Gaiman, his exploitation and sexual and financial abuse of his and his wife, Amanda Palmer's fans.

I decided being the villain was foolhardy and I am alright as I am thank you very much.

Writing a memoir for the past six years has meant dredging up lots of memories and digging out the essence or ‘realness’ of certain experiences where I MUST have been the villain. But somehow I haven't written myself as such.

I've had to admit to myself that I have done some myth making. It’s probably my ego that needs assauging. But where else to do that but a book about yourself? It's my story after all.

And as the feminist writer, Mona Eltahawy says..”The most subversive thing a woman can do is talk about her life as if it really matters."

I try to keep myself honest by looking at contemporaneous accounts. Mostly of the lowbrow variety, whatsapp messages and tweets. But if we are not the context to our own story, who is?

I noticed this tweet the other day and thought, yep sounds about right.

I started thinking about villainy a few weeks ago in anticipation of publishing this newsletter. I wanted to be the villain, like REALLY the villain. Not just someone judging me as such. But... you can be the villain to degrees right?

Some time in 2022 I decided I would put myself first. I'd spent years building a platform for others that had collapsed in spectacular fashion so it seemed time to throw caution to the wind, tell my truths, let love reign etc. That didn't quite work out. But it was a necessary exercise.

I like to think that however much you try to be selfish, or be the villain when crunch comes to the crunch you end up putting others first, even to the detriment of your own well being, if needs must.

For example if someone tells you one week they are likely to kill themselves at some point and the next week they disappear, you don't just wait to get a call from the coroner before you endeavour to make sure they are alright.

Especially because they are likely to regret it. A study showed that ‘Between 1963 and 1975 the annual number of suicides in England and Wales showed a sudden, unexpected decline from 5,714 to 3,693 at a time when suicide continued to increase in most other European countries.

This appears to be the result of the progressive removal of carbon monoxide from the public gas supply. Accounting for more than 40% of suicides in 1963, suicide by domestic gas was all but eliminated by 1975.’

I tried to make the effort to intervene in what might be a sad story only this week.