I'm Irritated
Might delete later
I'm irritated. I know two weeks ago I wrote, ‘This is my last newsletter.‘ But I'm irritated. Might delete later.
Then again at the end of September I announced that I had finished writing my book. I've added about 5000 words since then, so I wouldn't take my proclamations as set in stone. I'm irritated and impulsive. But as feminist and author, Mona Eltahawy said,
"The most subversive thing a woman can do is talk about her life as if it really matters."
I'm obsessive about some things (getting my book published for one) but that doesn’t mean I am obsessed about those things all the time.
For example my former foreign correspondent boyfriend didn't believe I loved him 'enough'.... However the issue is that I have about 10 things on my mind at any one time, and at any point, an 11th thing may push out the 10th.
This applies to everything and everyone. I'm not trying to be disrespectful or callous, my brain is just fighting itself constantly. And my memory is shit unless there's trauma attached.
It's also why I'm hard to track and surveil. I change my mind every 10 minutes. When I walk somewhere I usually double back 2 or 3 times because I forgot something or change my mind about where I'm going. Or get distracted and lost. Or forget something. Its why I put my phone on airplsne mode when I'm travelling from A to B, otherwise I miss bus stops, turnings, get on the wrong train. It's a constant battle to get anywhere on time.
Today I forgot that I had booked a cervical smear for 8.30am and had a hospital appointment (for my eczema) at 11.15. I missed the first and was half an hour late for the second. Thus they rescheduled the appointment.
The walk I am on now should take 30 minutes. I've been walking for an hour and had to double back and stop at a pub to use the loo.
So I have done none of the things I had planned to do today, including write a pitch on private members clubs that Radio 4 are expecting, having it seems accepted another pitch from us.
But I did send an unsolicited whatsapp to an editor at ITN after having a conversation with him a few weeks back about something I want to pitch for February. He replied with his email and said get in touch.
But I am irritated. Around two years ago I wrote a newsletter entitled ‘I Don't Trust White Agents’ (and some Black and Brown ones too) It's part of the second book I have half written (I had forgotten I had written it until last week).
I decided to pitch this book directly to publishers as it matters a little less to me than ‘Between a Rock, a Hard Place and a Dystopia’. Not because it's any less well written (in my opinion) it's just that it's a collection of essays I started writing in 2018, some of which are already published online. Seemingly 2018 was my writing renaissance as most of the early chapters of Between a Rock, A Hard Place and a Dystopia were written in 2018 too.